the difference between ‘craft’ and ‘success’

The way I see it, there are two paths to get work done.

In Path 1, I am anxious and agitated. I have tunnel vision. I am self-focused. There’s a constant heaviness in my chest and a lump in my throat. I am doing-doing-doing, like a hamster in a wheel running a race to nowhere. I think, “I just want to get this done. I want to reach the end of that friggin’ tunnel so I can move on and get another tick in a checkbox, another notch on my CV”. Path 1 is exhausting. It’s driven by fear. A fear of scarcity, defined by Dr. Brene Brown as “not enough”. Not smart enough, not accomplished enough, not successful enough. Not doing enough. I have to DO more so that I can BE enough. (Let’s think about that critically, shall we?)

In Path 2, I am joyful and light. I am inspired. Curious. Things flow easily. There’s a feeling of exhilaration when ideas come together. I am working hard but I am also playing hard. There are challenges. I do get stuck and more than once, feel like giving up. There are days I can’t wait to get to play/work and other days where sitting down at my desk to create something feels like the hardest thing to do. In Path 2 though, life is always interesting. There’s something new to chew on, a puzzle I can’t quite solve yet. “Mmm”, I say, “isn’t that interesting?”, as I slowly mull over the questions of the day, sipping a cup of tea, walking through a forest filled with birdsong.

In Path 2, there is no hurry. I don’t rush or force. I wait. Walk. Sit. Allow.

In Rob Bell’s book “How to be here”, he talks about the difference between “craft” and “success”.

Bell writes: “While SUCCESS asks ‘What more can I get?’….

CRAFT says ‘Can you believe I get to do this?'”

Wow.

Just pause for a sec.

Say those words out loud.

Don’t they even trigger different physiological responses as you say them? I don’t know about you, but my whole body fills up with a sense of gratitude and wonder when I say “Can you believe I get to do this?” Immediately, then, this gratitude turns into a clenched ball of heartburn and anxiety, a shortness of breath, a tightness, when I say, “And now… what more can I get?”

To be clear, Path 1 has gotten me “results”. A PhD, a MSc, an BSc. And it’s gotten me sick. Nothing so serious that it’d land me in a hospital, but I was sure getting close. Colds, flus, any virus going around. Constantly run down. Exhausted but wired. As Nathalie Roy and Kristin Hanggi say, “The push is dirty fuel”.

I remember distinctly one afternoon over Christmas break during my PhD, I set a goal for myself to submit a paper for a January 4th deadline (Worst deadline ever). Writing that paper, it literally felt like life or death. (Seriously, Helen??? Life or death???) I pushed, pushed, pushed. I stayed up nights. I didn’t see family, I bailed on friends. Even though I flew overseas to come home for Christmas.

The paper didn’t get in.

Back then, the only way I could manage that anxiety, that restlessness, that constant dissatisfaction, was exhausting myself doing martial arts and heavy cardio 4-5 times a week. The only way I could feel calm, was to tire myself to the point of physical exhaustion. The only time I allowed myself to rest, is when I got sick.

And so, I got sick often.

Writing this post was inspired by recent conversations I’ve had in the past few years with friends – academics in senior roles, now Directors of Institutes, Founders of Companies. On the outside, they look like they had “made it”. On the inside, they shared secret stories of exhaustion, burnout, emptiness, looking back and feeling like “What was it all for?” To quote my friend B when he looked back on the tenure process and how hard he had pushed, “I feel like I lost a part of my soul”.

I keep Rob Bell’s quote near my desk. At eye-level. Always in my view. It is something I don’t ever want to forget, because I know how easily and imperceptibly I can slip back into Path 1.

Even though it’s been years now. Of practice. Awareness. Frustration. Persistence. I try not to judge myself now.

When the old ways slip in, I greet them. “Hey, there you are again. Thanks, but I’m good now. I’m walking on this path now.”

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