The PhD student is a mysterious breed. Seemingly normal on the outside, the PhD student functions effectively in daily life, though secretly suffers from a variety of odd and somewhat peculiar symptoms, including (but not limited) to the following:
1) Short-lived waves of euphoria (e.g. “Hooooly shit, I’m f*&S*ing brilliant!!!”), followed by an all-encompassing self-doubt and loathing (e.g. “What is this crap?!! What crazy idiot came up with this???”). Rigorous laboratory and “in-the-wild” studies have indicated that this perspective transformation can occur within a matter of days, hours or even minutes, though currently, the causes of such dramatic mental shifts remain unknown.
2) Intense productivity one day, followed by a striking lull in motivation and performance the next. On so-called “productive” days, the PhD student takes on and finishes a seemingly insurmountable mountain of tasks, resulting in a grandiose (albeit somewhat nerdy) superhero complex. Rare sightings of such occasions have indicated symptoms including chest pounding and loud bellowing. On such days, the PhD student is a raging optimist, undeterred and resolute that the next day will reap similar fruit. Yet, much to their dismay, the following workday moves at a disturbingly sloth-like pace, where trivial chores such as washing the dishes or paying bills online seem impossibly overwhelming and inconsequential. Symptoms include glassy eyes and a sheer lack of motivation and willpower.
Indeed, dear readers, initial research reveals that we have only scratched the surface in understanding the habits of this mysterious breed. We urge you to keep a look out for these “PhD students” and encourage you to submit your data to support this importance research.
The human condition 